Sometimes you meet people and have no idea that they will change your life. You look back later, shaking your head at how unsuspecting you were with the arrogant wisdom of hindsight. Other times, you meet someone that immediately moves you. You register the shift on a physical level before your brain can catch up. There\u2019s a shift inside you. The feeling of pieces fitting together in a new way. A resettling. You\u2019ve rounded a corner on your journey and realize there\u2019s a whole new vista, a new land to explore that you\u2019d only before imagined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s what it felt like to meet the pilot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He was tall and he seemed to fill the whole bar. In two steps he\u2019d gone from the back of the room to shaking my hand. Everywhere I looked, he was there. Then we were talking. I was living a montage, one scene flicking to the next so that I couldn\u2019t see the moments in between. How did he arrive beside me? How did a look become the first word? It felt like being in a song, the inspiration of music without the mechanics of reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course I don\u2019t remember what we talked about but I don\u2019t think that was important. I remember only the feeling of revelation: someone like this exists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d gone out for a drink with a friend in Testaccio. She\u2019d brought along her pilot husband and he\u2019d invited along a few coworkers and by accident my life changed. I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d see this British pilot, again. He was nearly 20 years older than me and I couldn\u2019t imagine he felt the same. But this feeling was only partially about him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a new knowledge settling in my stomach with a gravity that couldn\u2019t be ignored: if there is someone in this world like this, then I must be free to meet that person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My boyfriend and I were in a cycle of despair that consisted of the usual dismal arguing, breaking up, feeling the edges of the world start to dissolve, and deciding to stay together after all\u2026 for now. We were both miserable at this point, held together by nostalgia, by affection, by disbelief that it could possibly be failing, by genuine love that was mired in frustrated expectations and disappointment. Maybe it was just better to stick out the school year, fulfill the promises I\u2019d made to the English school and then go back to California in June. It was definitely the end of the Italian experiment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the mere existence of the pilot changed all that. I had a new understanding, a new possibility. I had the courage of feeling, it can\u2019t get worse than this. It\u2019s easy to try to fly when you can\u2019t fall any further.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next day, I said it\u2019s over \u2026 but really this time. I told our other roommate we\u2019d broken up. His girlfriend was sitting with him at the kitchen table. \u201cMy roommate just gave us two weeks notice,\u201d she said. \u201cIf you want, you could-\u201d \u201cOk, I\u2019m moving in,\u201d I said. I felt there was a fire driving me. I started to run and I had to keep running toward that new land I\u2019d glimpsed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d paid no deposit as the landlord was a friend of a friend of my boyfriend. He couldn\u2019t pay the rooms rent on his own (I couldn\u2019t have either). \u201cI\u2019m going,\u201d I said. I was told I was being selfish, irresponsible, untrustworthy. The landlord was furious and \u201cbetrayed.\u201d But I had a singleness of purpose guiding me. \u201cGet free\u201d said that purpose. \u201cIn any way you can.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s the same drive that had led me to Italy without a job, Italian language skills, visa or friends. But I knew I had to go or I\u2019d always talk about, \u201ccould have\u201d and \u201cwould have.\u201d Once an idea is planted, you must pull it out or nurture it. There was an immense freedom in having this direction. It meant you only had to figure out where to place your feet, one step at a time, even if you could barely see the path ahead. I left everyone behind me in a mess. I had to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few weeks later I went to the beach with a friend and her roommate who brought her friends along. Lying on the sand, thinking- these are my last months in Italy- this friend of my friend\u2019s roommate said, \u201cI\u2019m leaving Italy actually and the problem is I have an entire roster of English students so I\u2019m looking for someone to take them all. Do you want them?\u201d It was like a new life was handed to me. Less work, about twice the pay. No school telling me to \u201cbe patient and wait for more work\u201d that obviously wasn\u2019t coming. I\u2019d waited long enough. Opportunities were in front of me and I would take them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I told the school I\u2019d be quitting half their non-existent lessons. \u201cI\u2019m one of your few returning teachers and I have fewer lessons this year than last year when I worked for you part time. I can\u2019t buy food. I have to take this opportunity.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got a lecture about responsibility. My decision was very disappointing. They thought I could be trusted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTrusted to do what? Trusted to do what\u2019s best for you even when it\u2019s blatantly obvious it\u2019s bad for me? What about when I trusted you\u2019d give me enough work to live on? I\u2019m letting down the school? No, you\u2019ve let me down.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yeah I didn\u2019t say any of that. I said \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou signed a contract with us, saying you\u2019d stay the year.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I hadn\u2019t really signed a contract, had I? I\u2019d signed a piece of paper. The contract between us existed only in our trust and belief in each other of which there was now none. I didn\u2019t even legally exist in Italy. They had nothing to give me and nothing to keep me. I left.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I often wonder if it was a series of miraculous coincidences or if there really is something about changing the direction of your inner compass that sets things in motion around you. I feel like the first possibility leaves no room for miracles but the second is far too self-important. Does the changing beat of your own heart move the world around you? Or is it all just particles colliding, repelling, attracting in a random dance we can never hope to understand?<\/p>\n\n\n\n